too long, too long

Every once in a while the last 30 years I’ve contemplated deeply my faith with doubt. I suppose I’m surprised it hasn’t happened more often, but when it comes in it is a virtual tsunami of doubt.

I’ve had serious thoughts of what if. What if we do not go to sleep this side of eternity and wake on the other - what if this life is all there is? What if?

Today it came at Starbucks, I’d done my run, made a visit, enjoyed a lunch with family and extended family, was enjoying a chapter by my favorite author, a song by my favorite group (Bare Naked Ladies) hummed through my earbuds when that old haunt ran through my heart. What if? What if I am just programed how I am, what if my preaching is just because of heritage, what if I only have believed what was handed to me, drank the cool-aid and this is all there is? What if?

I like to push such thoughts out of my mind, not even entertain them, but sometimes they come with such force I am stunned.

What would it take for me to become an atheist?

It would take denying my heritage, it would take loosing my closest friends, it would take most of my waking thoughts, it would take the decision to change my belief...it would not take loosing faith. No, it’d take an altogether different kind of faith. And it doesn’t measure up. It just doesn’t. I can question God and faith and hope but when I allow my mind to “change teams” even for a few minutes it only adds to my despair. If there is no God - then there is nothing. If there is nothing where did it all come from? If there is no faith then what is there to live for but a certain fearful nothingness and meaninglessness.

Two verses rush to my mind (for I believe Psalm 119:11) that give me strength:
- 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

- And the other one is often overlooked but is a boulder in my belief mountain, 1 Corinthians 15:6 “After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep.” It’s not shocking that the apostles remained loyal and James (His half-brother) but 500 people, if untrue the skeptics would have disproven it with the defectors and found liars among this group.